Tuesday, April 27, 2010

10 Rules for Port-A-Potties Pre Race

Because, quite frankly, there needs to be some.

Yes, we all look patient and civil, one might even consider us a friendly bunch, as we wait in line for our turn, but let's face it. Deep down where the fear of missing the start of our race resides, we're all just a heartbeat away from vicious angry mob.

So here's what I propose:

1. Pre-race, port-a-potties near the start are for runners only. While your support is sincerely appreciated and we know how desperately you would like to see your loved one as the starting gun goes off, time concerns are not exactly as pressing for you as the people who are actually trying to run in the race. Look for someplace farther away from the starting line to take care of your business. Or...hold it. It won't take long for the runners to be off and guess what? You won't have to wait in line.

2. Men who are only peeing are not allowed. Sorry guys, but really when's the last time you saw someone handed a ticket for public urination at the start of a race? And it's not like there's any shortage of police OR perps on race day even in big cities where there might be a lack of peeable trees and shrubs. In fact, I think races should seriously consider designating special peeing areas for men to get a few more of them out of line and speed things up a bit. Maybe a little Men's Room sign near a particularly bushy area. Perhaps a stick figure illustration near the woods. Something to encourage those humble discreet privacy seeking fellas that it's ok to step out of line at least on race days.

3. Port-a-potties should be spaced in groups or 2 or 3. This would prevent the inevitable competition that ensues when a free port-a-potty opens up between lines. At least, there is some dawdling, perhaps only a few seconds, but a few seconds nonetheless as those on deck try to discern through looks and head nods which line's turn it is. At worst, it is all out war as each line looks out for their own best interest trying to out sprint each other to the free potty regardless of which line got it last. Besides, this would also help prevent the unfortunate turn of events should one line get stuck in neutral due to a person doing God only knows what behind that green door. That unlucky line would still have one or two others to fall back on.

4. Cutting in line is punishable by disqualification of your race. Do I need to say more?

5. When the toilet paper runs out, you MUST notify the next person in line who will then have the option of either proceeding without or passing their turn to the next in line and waiting for the next available port-a-potty. SUBSECTION A: If the port-a-potty next to the one you are about to use is out of toilet paper, don't pretend like you don't know or it's not your problem. Help your fellow runner out! Grab a wad and pass it over before you close the door. Really, it's just common decency.
6. If you mess up the seat, you clean it up. It is just not right to stand in line for 15-20 minutes, then not be able to use the actual port-a-potty you waited for because apparently someone's insides exploded. Just not right. In fact, for these culprits, I propose if identified, they then are required to stand next to the scene of the crime with a sign that says "I did this." Until the race has started AND they have cleaned up their mess. I don't even like dealing in my kids' poop. I certainly don't want to deal in some random unknown adult's.

7. All port-a-potties should have lights inside of them. Because races start early and a lot of times, it's still dark. And if you happen to have the distinct pleasure of following a Rule #6 breaker, trust me, you're going to want to have lights in there. Otherwise, be prepared to lose your socks to clean yourself off with. (Really, just ask my mom).

8. No dawdling. Not in line. Not in the pot. None. Ever. Move it or lose it. When you're #1 in line cut the chit chat to a minimum and watch for an opening.

9. All races should be chip timed. (which would eliminate the need for a lot of these rules.)

10. Hmmm....Ok I don't really have 10, but it seemed weird to stop at 9. So I'll save this spot for you because I'm sure I missed something that one of you keen observers can help me out with. Feel free to leave me your rule in the comments and perhaps, just perhaps, this will go viral and we'll revolutionize pre-race prep forever.

Although, I'll just settle for being able to go home from all races with the same socks I wore there.

'Til next time...

P.S. Look! We've almost got 100 people following along with us now! We should celebrate. I'm thinking giveaway. Once we have 100 followers, let's have a giveaway. So what do you all want to win? I'm open to ideas.

P.P.S. Sorry for my virtual absence as of late, been working on a little surprise for you all during my usual I've got a free minute now think I'll post to my blog times. Keep peeking in and you'll see it soon :-) Also marathon announcement coming soon!

P.P.S. Peeable...not actually a word. Who knew?


misszippy said...

Excellent post! Everyone should have a copy of this in their race instructions!

runnanna said...

You are hilarious! They just need to give each of us our own personal porta-potty...or maybe we could form a team and only your team mates could use your potty..post guards..OR how about just having MORE of them!!!

Jodi H said...

I love it! I don't think you have missed anything!!

runsis said...

This isn't a rule, just an observation. Port-a-potties should not have toliet lids. I try to touch as little as possible when using a port-a-potty. So, sorry to those of you who find this offensive, but I'm not going to touch it twice and put the lid back down!!

RunMom said...

Don't worry Runsis. I use the phrase "rules for port-a-potties" loosely (ie. "all races should be chip timed") Hence your no lid rule has been approved.

Staci Dombroski said...

It looks like you have the 100 followers now, I am ready for a giveaway :) Love this post!

Funnyrunner said...

lol. Ah, yes. the port a potty dilemmas. Never enough. Except at the Boston marathon last week they had so many there were NO LINES. I have never before seen that. It was amazing!

I'm afraid that after 12 marathons and countless other races I've become much less modest about whether I use a porta pot before a race... :)

Crystal said...

This was hilarious!

I have a portapotty story...Disneyland half last year at 34 weeks pregnant...had to use one and someone had POOPED, yes, I said POOPED, on the seat! GROSS! Try squatting on that with a belly! I ended up lifting the seat and the base was very clean. A lot of TP and I was good to go. But I think I'm scarred for life now...

Christy said...

I am literally LAUGHING OUT LOUD right now! Love it.