Sunday, April 5, 2009

Porta-Potty Wars & A New PR-WOOHOO!!!

Ok I start this realizing that the story I am about to tell is going to be nowhere near as funny as it was in person. Disgusting? Probably yes. But as funny? I'm thinking no.

So it was the big Martian 1/2 Marathon for me and my mom today and like all good runners we did what runners do before a race...pee. Despite how many times you go at home, and how little you drink in advance you are stopping at those delightful little port-a-potties before you head to the starting line (and quite possibly still peeing in a bush somewhere around the beginning of the race. Seriously, it's the only time that people don't bat an eye at public urination. Go to a race. It's like your in the twilight zone).

So my mom and I pick the shortest line because we had only 15 or so minutes to spare and still wanted to get in a good stretch. But I was quickly having flashbacks to what seems like every single time I'm at the grocery store and I pick "the short line," only to find the longer line moving much much faster. In fact, our line was not moving at all. Suddenly, I started to become worried about the fate that would most surely await me if I ever in fact did make it to the pot. After a brief discussion with a school teacher behind us, who still needed to get her race bib from her car I might add, about what exactly was going on, we discovered a few things.

First of all, we were in line behind people who were far more concerned with socializing then they were with actually going to the bathroom (which in my book means you didn't really need to be taking up space in line) and while they were lost in conversation, the people in the line next to us had taken over one of the 4 port-a-potties that were by virtue of vicinity, ours to be using.

So a few shouts from our beloved schoolteacher and the social butterflies got on the ball and reclaimed our rightful potty #4 to wild applause none the less (I kid you not). Now with the line moving we bid our farewells to our hero, the school teacher, and got on with our business.

I'm in and out right (no way I'm taking the blame for an already frustrated-yet slightly revitalized due to our battle victory- line of people having to wait even a minute longer) And as I stand there waiting for my mom to return, I pose as something of a spy, as the other line plots its revenge and it's next assualt on potty #4. Only one problem, no one's coming out. And the discussion turns to what's taking #4 so long. Then I realize, #1, 2, and 3 have all been in and out a number of times. Where is my mom? Did she head off with out me? Or is she the dreaded potty hog?

Just as I'm on the verge of abandoning my post to go find her, she emerges, waving her arms wildly from potty #4. "Oh my gosh oh my gosh" She had made a vital discovery. That "dreaded fate" I feared earlier had been hers. As she sat down to do her business in the wee morning hours of the dark dark porta potty, she put her hand down to brace herself (we women hover in those deals). Unfortunately, she put her hand down on the ONE THING you would not want to put your hand on. Yes, the original delay with potty #4 was that somebody could not quite figure out the most appropriate place inside the porta-potty to empty the depths of his bowels. The second delay was my mom trying to clean herself up and God bless her she even tried to clean the seat up so that no other poor souls would have to suffer her fate (she's a saint I tell ya).

So the rest of our pre-race prep consisted of her trying to get me to smell her (I didn't) and check her out for any remaining you know what while she complained that she was for sure getting hepatitis or some other disease.

However she pulled it together at the last minute, and with no signs of snow (like they were predicting)and actually fairly mild temperatures, she did a great job. Despite the hills, we ran 2:31:50 (I know you're all going to go look it up anyway so I figure I'll just tell you)A 3 minute PR for my mom! I AM SO PROUD! And I know when we get to our next one, Bayshore (flat like a pancake) at the end of May, she is without a doubt going to break 2:30 like she's planning because without hills and without poopy clothes they'll be nothing to hold her back.



Anonymous said...

It was the most disgusting thing I've experienced in a long time. I am telling you, if there wasn't a gallon of hand sanitzer in that porta potty, I would have HAD TO DROP OUT!!Yuck! I was pretty much over the shock after mile 4. Seriously, do people have to be taught to hit the hole!?! All in all a very fun race. My first long race with Kelly who is the inspiration for all of this insanity. She is a great coach and running partner. Love, runnanna

feener said...

oh that is plain nasty. but way to kick ass on the race.

Kelly's runner said...

That was really gross. I once had my sunglasses fall into the abyss right at the start of a super sunny day. That was the end of that pair...


Boo said...

That was a great story! Gross but great. Good job to your mom on her PR. I hope Bayshore turns out to be another PR race for her.

Mimi said...

The dreaded port-o-potties at races are always disgusting! This is so funny! I love that now you have all these port o john ads on your blog! Ha! Great story! Great Run! congrats!

Porta Potty Rent Chicago said...

I always dread the porta potty encounters...stick to my squat and no touch method. I never let my kids go in one alone.